Tag Archives: words

still staring at the hexagons

It was a Wednesday. Mid-week. I am best, theoretically-speaking, mid-week. I have a couple of hours to kill, so I decide to do what I’d always done when I find that I need to kill time. I walk approximately 30 blocks down Madison Avenue toward 23rd street, stopping by a Starbucks here and there to end up at Madison Square Park. I sit on the bench. And stare at the hexagons on the ground.

It all sounds very easy.

I had done this a million times before. Different parks. Usually, it was Union Square Park. Yes, so I had done this a million times before… until it was second nature… but this is now. I hadn’t killed time in this manner in what seems like a million years.

And, I am buzzing.

Not drug-buzzing (though, there is a part of this that we will get to later). The natural internal buzzing. The inability to ‘just be…’, to blend in with what surrounds one and give way to time. That buzzing of years past. I’d include the poem here, but this author is too protective of random things that keep the world in place.

Anyway, that buzzing. The buzzing of indecision and uncertainty.

Somehow, I go with it. Sit on the bench… initially stare at the hexagons… look toward the hexagons almost for some semblance or answer or something. I think cerebral thoughts. I remember that I sort of cherished this sort of moment. My brain crazy with stories. Currently, though, I am blank. Just stare… blankly outward. And I wonder, god, what have I done?

Catastrophizing as your author does.

It isn’t a catastrophe, however. I take the uncomfortable-to-write-in moleskin notebook that is small enough to carry places out of my bag. I write, “so, I don’t know what the middle-ground is. Maybe there is no middle-ground”.

deep.

At this point, though shifting, I am still primarily in cerebral territory.

Yes, I acknowledge the buzzing. This misguided sort of energy. I also acknowledge the blankness in my head. Then, I think of the ADD drugs. The speed in a pill. And this is what I speak of when I say, “middleground”.

I, for the most part, in the broadest of definitions, finally got what I want… what I once thought that I need. …in a legal way that is regulated, even.

And now?

Now, I write, “I can’t do it without the drug… I can’t do it with the drug, either, maybe [as evidenced by today]. By “it”, I mean, “life”.”

Eventually though, I shift (or rather, my cerebral found some cerebral spinal fluid to float within), and as always, it is time that has determined everything. Time. Don’t misunderstand, I didn’t again become the bursting-at-the-seems, artist-writer, of years past. This would be impossible. I can never go back. And though, I could barely wrap my head around how it is I am how I am now or how this version of me has evolved from that one, I recognized the fact and had to light a candle for it’s death.

Metaphorically, speaking.

Kind of like when people die in dreams or whatever. The whole representation of a death of a part of one and the resulting opening of a door. It’s always sad.

But, I guess… “deal with it… because this is just how it is now.”

So, as I sit, wait, stare at the hexagons and increasingly become more a part of my surroundings; I wonder how I could possibly proceed from here.

This [post] would possibly be more interesting if it were more ‘multimedia’. And we do have something.* But… this is a writer’s post. And thus, you get words.

*update (04 Jul 2011): Okay, fine… at 23rd Street, we are a glutton for multimedia:

Just another parable from the folks at 23rd Street.

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unique IV’s

I mean, what do I have to do to get people to read this thing? I’m being as honest as possible. Like, dull knife to the chest dragging down with a compensational force… or whatever. Lips sucking and sucking and drinking… sooo thirsty… soooo sooo thirsty from my heart. Like, all pink and dehydrated wrinkle waiting for the blood to pump through again.

and this is the metaphor for my entire being.

but the thing remains. just because I give it my all…. just because I’m as honest as I can be… just because I feel that I’m giving as much as I think that I possibly can… doesn’t mean that others can detect it any more… or less than when I was below the radar…. than when I thought that all my information was the only thing I had. parts of my body that I would give away or something. All the thoughts, feelings and ideas kept within me because they were my only weapon.

Information is power. And, for the longest time, this was the only power I could wield.

And so, whatever… what the fuck… I’ve given pieces and pieces and pieces. Everything. I’ve done what I think is the thing that I’ve always prevented. I’m giving up ‘power’.

But what I’m realizing, more and more, is that no one cares. Not in this like cyncial post-apacolyptic way… just, I realize that all of the things that I’ve held… grasped so tightly… held so near and endowed with so much importance and power really is nothing at all.

People do it all the time. …say how they feel and all. The earth doesn’t come to an end. The person they speak to doesn’t all of the sudden have all-access power over them. Moreover, frequently, the person to whom they speak doesn’t catch the candid, honest nature of what is being said to them anyway.

It’s like signals being given off. Signals that are so powerful that you believe they may destroy you. But you realize that any signal, regardless of it’s importance, can only be as effective or utilized as the receptacle receptive.

whatever.

this whole thing started out as “unique IV’s”. I suppose I digress.

I was just going to say that I’ve been away because I’m engrossed in my quest to obtain enough unique IV’s in order to crack surrounding WEP. ie… I don’t want to pay the RussianWHORE for shoddy, intermittent, crappy internet service anymore. Thus, I’m trying to learn. It’s all very strange.

I totally digress.

always.

 

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