Tag Archives: syndromes

I am a whore

My friend Tom says that I’m not a whore because one has to sleep with (fuck) the whore-er to be in consideration for the position of whore. I suppose he might be correct. But I still feel covered in a veil of metaphorical whore-ity, if you will. Let us defer to dictionary.com.

whore

[hawr, hohr or, often, hoor]
noun, verb, whored, whor·ing.
–noun
1. a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse,usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.

hmm… apparently, dictionary.com says that I’m not a whore, either… though I must say, strumpet sounds like something that I would be (it sounds like a cute, homeless chick that you found in the woods). But unlike Tom and/or dictionary.com, I take liberty with words. And by ‘take liberty’, I mean, not know what a word actually means and rather than looking it up, “feel what it should mean” and then use it in this capacity. It works. Well, it’s never not (yay, double-negative!) worked. I have considered myself and have been considered by others, a writer. My grave inability to speak (or rather, the slow slow process of retrieving thoughts from my brain to my mouth) forced my communication skills to align with the written word, rather than the spoken word.*

*this brain-to-mouth process would also be a huge catalyst behind my theoretical need/acquisition & usage of/subsequent addiction to methamphetamines… but this is another story.

In addition, I understand the fact that time and culture can morph words into things that are, though at their core still the same, a very different animal. I also understand the fact that the word “whore” is thrown around these days like America’s dirty rag-doll. I totally throw it around all the time. …and I enjoy it!

But, then again, I do take liberty with words.

And here is the unreconcilable nature of whore/non-whore: by this definition, I could never be considered a whore.

You see, as much as I brandish around and revel in my position as a high-level, extremely knowledgable and versatile drug addict… I would probably say that I am a college grad; possibly entry-level at best, sex person.

sex, drugs and rock n roll, baby.

Certain things go hand-in-hand, or are rather, frequently associated with one and other. Drug addiction, self-destructive tendencies, sexual promiscuity, blahblahblah. But frequent association is just that. This is why “the syndrome” is so retarded. Medical professionals taking symptoms that frequently co-occur and bunching them together and naming it something-syndrome. But I digress.

If we take “whore” in it’s most literal iteration of whore = sexual promiscuity… I would never be a whore.

As awesome and fun and socially-reinforcing as I can be… it could be said that I am also, for lack of a better word, afraid of people. I like controlling my own thing, being self-sufficient and choosing to self-destruct by myself, on my own… or not.

And thus, enter whore-ity, stage left. Drinks. ghey. “Lets do drinks”. ghey. Unfortunately, this is sort of a requirement in the entertainment industry. Fortunately, in the absence of hard drugs, I’ve become quite the alcoholic. And the condescending sounding vernacular moves aside while I step in to order a vodka and something. But to ease for mere seconds back into the category of condescending ghey once more, there is an art to Drinks as chronicled, in the best possible way, in this article from stuffhollywoodassistantslike.com. Read it. Its kind of awesome.

Anyway, whether one is in whatever city they are in, if one works in the entertainment industry… ‘drinks’ are kind of a requirement. In so saying, new again to New York… I decided that accepting the offer to have aforementioned ‘drinks’ with talent manager A was probably a good thing (-martha stewart).

Martha!? Was it a good thing? Was it really?

I am poor and after the project I was working on was done, I am also unemployed.

Why would Talent manager A even want to have drinks with random, who the fuck are you-me? There was an email exchange that made him think that I had integrity. Apparently, integrity is the end-all, be-all with this guy. So, there’s that. Also, at the time, I was working for one of the most respected people in this field. Furthermore, three or four people that have been Boss A’s assistant in the past, have gone on to be retarded-successful in their own rites.

As my first instinct is to steer clear of people (either that or the exact opposite, to go balls-to-the-wall) plus this job, the schedule and my sanity… I basically ignored him. But his persistence and because of Martha Stewart’s words of wisdom, I decided that one drink after work wouldn’t kill me.

I never thought, though, that it would make me a whore.

But it didn’t kill me. Two drinks. The end.

…or I thought.

Another penciled… and I mean very lightly penciled in theoretical drinks were to be on the books. Months pass. I prolong as I’ve prolonged before. Then, as I was still unemployed coupled with the fact that he made it clear, in no uncertain terms that he would pay for everything all the time (He used to do this with Boss A… in his own words, smiling, he said, “she used me all the time. Whenever she wanted to see a show, she would call me up and I would pay for it”) I went.

And this is where something goes a bit awry. I have become quite the bottomless pit of alcohol. He pays. I drink. We talk. It’s fun. But just because I can hold my grey goose doesn’t mean that I don’t fall victim to my own rose-colored social glasses that accompanies excessive drinking. I can talk about everything, everything is interesting… the world is my oyster, anything is possible… and I think that I kind of agree to be a girlfriend-ish person.

…to be continued.

I am aware that the “to be continued” phrase on 23rd street is almost always a lie, but I believe this will actually be continued.

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The Evolution of the Pill-Popper

 

I can see you totally being a pill-popper in the future.

…really?!

This is T and me in Chelsea. My crackshack. Circa 2001 or 2-ish?

I don’t know what we are doing… I don’t believe that there is a needle in my arm. It’s before that… well, before and after, I suppose. If we are in the crackshack, it means that I’ve already stuck a needle in my arm… in my life, I mean… previously.

But as chronology goes, I spiked by myself for the first time in my place on 25th and 1st, not Chelsea… which lasted all of, maybe a month and a half… maybe less. My cute little training-wheeled dance with the devil. I stopped everything. For a bit. Moved into the Chelsea crackshack. Then found myself back in Washington Heights… this time sans spike to procure coke. [but this is another story].

So, it was around this time. Despite the needle, still pretty novice. And certainly broke. Intermittent coke… here and there. We could have been doing anything. Whatever we may have been doing, apparently T is very confident that I will, one day,  join the ranks of the pill-poppers.

I take this as an insult, somehow. I’m much more interesting and artistic and sophisticated… well, maybe not more sophisticated, but, evolutionarily moreso than a pill-popper.

This string of thought made sense at the time. You know, I was a psychonaut. And youth trumped age in the image of the pill popper.

Though the image of the UES or UWS, high-society, adult pill-popper was truly a lovely future image… what, with the martini in hand at noon and the largest pharmacopeia one could ever wish for, it was really something, indeed, to strive for.

This being said, however, there was something about this statement that felt off.

I was never really a ‘pill-person’. Statistically-speaking, given a cross section of drug users, I would fall under the non-pill-person category.*

*pills with minimal to no binders, ie Dilaudid, that could be crushed, dissolved and sucked into a barrel and unleashed into my veins to cross the blood/brain barrier excluded.

Now, that being said, at that time… the specifics weren’t so specific. We really weren’t at liberty to choose the type of drug-person that we were. I mean, I’m pretty sure we theorized [dreamed] our preferences in all their fantastical glory in a world where everything was obtainable.

Coming down now… we were more than ecstatic with anything resembling anything that came our way… especially in the early days. Still, as with everything else, I was relatively selective about everything I ingested… though to balance this, I was up for experiencing everything that I’ve never experienced at least once… still am.

So Now:

  • T is partially correct. I do have a small but veritable pharmacopeia at my disposal. Pills. …that I take. …for reasons that span from recreation to post-recreational illegal drug use pseudo-necessity.This could be described in some circles as pill-popping. Not the fantasy image we all dreamed about in our youth-youth. But, I have pills… I “pop” them. And, for around, just under two years, these and alcohol are the only ‘drugs’ I’ve injested… give or take a week in Raph’s Ballfield** or so…. rendering T correct in this sort of superficial vein… capillary, even.

**my own pet name for methamphetamine in non-pill form. More specifically, California meth… good enough to be insufflated, cut enough that it really does not go well with the needle. For more info, watch a few episodes of the first season of USA’s “In Plain Sight” [enough to understand the thread of the A-line story that runs through until the season finale]. Or watch the entire season sequentially, whatever. …this is sooo not a plug, seriously.

  • As much as I may be a pill-popper or not, with the current epidemic of over-prescribing quick-fixes “we have a pill for all that ails thee!”, the lovely aforementioned pill-popper of yester-year somehow ceases to exist. Well, I mean, I’m sure that they still exist [I’ll take you bathroom-cabinet-spelunking on the UES one day]…. but psychiatry and society’s need to categorize… take symptoms and create syndromes, semantic disorders, then diagnose because [“now that I’ve created this disorder that doesn’t really exist… we know what’s wrong!”] then treat, has rendered everyone a pill-popper. Muddying the waters of the true, aristocratic pill-popper and crushing many a dream.

The conclusion: yes, T is correct in a certain light. But the world of the pill has evolved to a place where… a shift has occured and the definition of a pill-popper has shifted along with it. T can’t be right…. isn’t right. Not yet anyway. My pill usage right now falls within this shift and my recognition and exploitation of the current situation.

The true, aristocratic pill-popper still exists out there. And yeah, maybe one day, as T said, I “will totally be a pill-popper”. And, then, hats off, T will be right… but don’t count on it. 😛

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