Tag Archives: Health

Tragic Flaws, Change & Drugs

In reference to In Other Denial for Convenience’s Sake News… (also in combination with it)… I have a stupid sound bite from a ghey show that I used to watch in Chelsea on my 13 in TV that I somehow suspended from the “ceiling” aka the bottom of the loft bed that I lived beneath. Sundays, my only day off, hungover… no meth, just conscious enough to cock my head up toward the suspended box that, if I recall correctly, only really had like 4 stations because it was working off of an antenna …waiting for frank…. passing the blurry time before I could call him. (the dealer).

Disregarding the “you’re not a drug addict” part…

many drug addicts (I believe) rely on the fact that they are sooooo “out of the box”. interesting. artistic.

Bullshit.

I guess, because the way I look at things are exponentially changing these days.

Whatever.

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Hollywood Shadows (The New Yorker)

Yes, this is primarily a drug blog. 23rd Street doesn’t really have to do with Hollywood beyond the fact that 1/3 of my drug experiences have taken place there. So, we will find ourselves there once and a while. But there is an interconnection between drug abuse/use/addiction and therapy and the all elusive ‘writer’ that this author may or may not be.

That being said:

Hollywood Shadows (The New Yorker)

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Don’t need Sunglasses to Dull the Sheen

So, I suppose, as a self-proclaimed ‘drug blog’, the folks at 23rd Street should chime in about Charlie Sheen.

Nope.

I don’t know. I don’t fuckin’ know. I watched 2 seconds (well, more) of some interview out there on these here interwebs. In these sorts of instances, I don’t really care to judge or have an opinion. I have more of an opinion about the whole CBS/Chuck Lorre effect. This because, I work in entertainment (not Charlie Sheen-entertainment, mind you, ha!).

But however he is; whatever is happening… to him; to CBS; to whatever… he does bring up the most prevalent & seemingly important (at this point in my drug life) question… or concern… or just, what the fuck?! Why is it only AA or NA or something A?

Honestly… I am kind of ready. Yes, I am definitely ready to not be dependent on anything outside of myself… I am an island and always have been. Never dependent. Except for pills and drugs. People?! Fuck you!. But, now, even drugs (maybe with the exception of a time-released version of prescription speed). …I’m just being honest.

So, lets do this thing!

But I don’t have an option… I have 2 apparently: NA or drugs.

One way to get out.

One way to stay in.

Why?

Interviewer: you say you cured yourself of addiction.

CS: yes

I: How have you done that?

CS: I closed my eyes and made it so… with the power of my mind. And unloaded 22 years of fiction and just decided that I don’t believe that anymore and know my own truth and thats what I stand on right now.

I: What kind of fiction?

CS: The fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool. …who is a plagiarist. They think that it’s a one-size-fits-all, but it didn’t fit me and I got tired of subscribing to something with a 5% success rate.”

Not saying anything about anyone or anything about anything in this instance… in a vacuum (which I understand this particular person is not in… nor is anyone), but, in a fuckin’ theoretical vacuum… this guy has done the AA program. He’s been there. He’s done it.

and for: 22 years!

That’s well over half of my entire existence on this planet. Thus, he fuckin’ stuck it out.

So, what am I supposed to think?

Again, not going to judge… but though he says that he has found an alternative… “…the power of my mind” is vague as hell. We can re-create cells in a lab… manipulate DNA… and I’m not saying that this is as definitive as just science… but behaviour modification, as well, in itself never lasts… and the pseudo-science of psychology…

…there has to be some combination. Or something.

I don’t have figures; I don’t know what I’m talking about… but why, in this day and age… when more people than a census can count are either addicted or dependent (WTF is the difference?) on a substance and furthermore, die because of these prescribed “dependences” and their blind third eye + their ignorance of swallowing a pill…

I mean, fuck you. Yes, ‘fuck you’ is unoriginal… but exclusively angry here.

I’m just saying, one would think that there would be more than one option to treat than some antiquated betty ford bullshit that was created decades before the drug abuse statistic started to rise exponentially with each passing year.

And, I’m just realizing… it’s probably this way for a reason.

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The 6th Time’s the Charm!

I can’t sleep.

needlemania!

I don’t judge…. I’ve gone far past 6. Double-digits, even. But was always excited for a new rig.

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Happy?

Why are we happy? (Ted.com)

in so saying, are you happy?

and if not, why?

why do you think that you are not happy?

and, in the end, what is ‘happiness’? Is it a balance that humans must constantly weigh?

I mean, if you give me the correct pill/drug… I am happy. But that doesn’t mean that I am happy. atleast forever… or until tomorrow.

I’m high… high=happy. synthetic or not. but it rarely lasts forever.

What the fuck is happy?

and why would we even want to be “happy”?

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Get High Now

Theta Wave Synchronization (Get High Now)

So, whatever. Drugs are still the preferred way of ‘getting high’, if you will. That’s not what this is about. As someone that is a primarily non-drug-using drug addict, there’s this whole sleep thing that sometimes doesn’t happen.

In that capacity, this is kind of cool. Try it.

 

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A Safe Place …really?!

A Safe Place (NY Times)

…this actually exists.

fuckin‘ canada.

needles in canada. and only canada.

ONE PLACE.

to digress for a fraction of a second; BOARDS OF CANADA is awesome.

I’m ‘beyond’ the needle, yes. But only because my denial mechanism is such that it chills with balloons. It’s elasticity increases along with my blind third eye… like skin. Skin will stretch as much as it is called-upon to. My research is non-existent on this particular topic… but television has taught me about Obese Americans.. I have seen too many gastric bypass surgeries of people that I don’t know.

Whatever. Somehow people become 500 lbs. I don’t judge. Not the point. This is another story for another blog. My point is that a 16 year old compulsive overeater will not explode. Skin will accommodate. Stretch marks happen, yes… when skin is forced to quickly to expand… but it will expand.

…I haven’t touched a needle in such a fuckin long time. …I haven’t all those visceral things that I’d rather, at this point, blur as the general ‘visceral thing’.

And that’s what I’m saying, the denial mechanism that I possess is so elastic that it can balloon around this lie.

I’m lying.

When it comes to this, I have to look away. I can’t think about the needle… I can’t look at the needle… I can’t watch a needle slide into a basilic vein… I can’t… “Intervention” or whatever the hot new “stop doing drugs/alcohol” show = fine. Someone pulls out a needle, and the belt and vein and spoon = cant. do. it.

alaglahlala (this is a drooling-type noise)…. the crimson cloud.

Whatever drug of choice. However destitute or homeless or old money-damaged a junkie… doesn’t matter.

Even my denial mechanism, though strong and extremely elastic, cannot compete with the sight of a nice, new orange cap on a B&D, 19 gauge, 1 or 1/2 cc syringe and the prospect of what lay underneath. B&D is the champ… but of course, it doesn’t have to be B&D… it doesn’t have to be a 19 gauge needle… short… long… doesn’t matter.

The point… I don’t know.

I’m so physically far away from my needle wielding junkie self; but I still have to look away. I can’t watch this in it’s entirety. So you see, it; whatever; this whole thing is not completely about drugs; it’s about the visceral, it’s about control; it’s about the a kid thinking that she is a psycho-naut… thinking that she is street but smart… it’s about the reconcilable notion of the aforementioned. Its about the taste of saline emanating from the sides of one’s tongue outward and in the back of one’s throat when one would shoot it when one ran out of drugs.

It’s not an original notion of course. But I don’t do original. Rather, I don’t care. I just ‘do’. Original is for ass-fucks that need to be original. whatever.

But this place exists.

Now, coming full circle, this place exists where one can go to stick a needle in whatever vein is still non-collapsed. And it’s okay… it’s actually the entire function of the organisation. Insite… or however they spell it. Are you serious?!

Even I’m not that retarded… or maybe I’m just jealous.

I still cannot wrap my head around this whole thing…. you know, because of the denial and all. I’m a proponent of non-absenance. Like, everything is continuous, not discontinuous. Like, the only option is never to touch a drink… WTF?!-type abstenance. Addicts are extremists (for the most part)… extremist treatment will never help an extremist.

Well, maybe it can, but it’s behaviorial and based in fear and maybe one will never touch the substance ever again… but they will never be the same…

ever

again.

Its not about being ‘the same’, per se. But if you are one that turns it up to 11 and you’re told that you will die unless you turn it down and live at 6… you are not really you. You will never really be you again. In this capacity, I cannot really comment, however… so far, I’ve done my version of, well, not dying… I am turned down though not to 6 and not anywhere near completely abstinent.

But in the same vein, I know that I can’t do needles. I don’t want to look, touch, PoP off an orange cap because I want to so badly. I need to do it. I salivate in time to a pavolivian dog.

In the end, what does this even mean? Maybe this is just my experience… and my junkie-dom was riddled with meth and cocaine… not a drug that causes the amount and type of physical dependency that a narcotic does. Though I have done speed balls and shot narcotics (just a lil trivia). But in my experience, I guess that I’ve pulled myself up from my bootstraps enough.

And I’m not a cultural messages person, so much (as I suppose that I am too self-absorbed and easily distracted)… maybe this goes beyond cultural messages. And I’m not like socialist… but treat people (even the junkies) the same as you would others (non-junkies)… I feel creating this place is too slippery a slope and almost going above and beyond to treat junkies better; welcoming us with open arms.

It’s a strange land that I currently have one foot in while the other stands tall in an even stranger land.

Wow… okay… thank you, drive thru… just beware the cops, I guess unless you are in Canada.

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Are Americans ready for a ‘Generation Rx’?

Recently, understanding more and more the benefit of…. I’m going to say it… tw—-; twi—…

…ugh, twitter…

alghaolahalah… I need like a slice of lemon after that. I currently feel a similiar embarrasment as I did as a young lass taking a shot of hard liquor for the first time…

then holding the god-awful searing liquid-esque ‘spirit’ they called it, on the bottle anyway (“why do you look so much like water?!” my taste-buds relayed to my brain that relayed back toward my mouth-holding/throat-swallowing connection…

…possessing a very ineffective gag reflex (which would also come in anti-handy for some things; semi-handy for others in the future) wanting desperately to sever it for the moment, but eventually swallowing hard.

And then, we ponder, what would have happened had I severed the connection and spit it out? One can only wonder. mhuahahahaha!

Whatever, there would have been plenty of other chances to ‘swallow-hard’, if you know what I mean… You think your first shot is tough?

I digress. yes.

Anyway, to continue, recently understanding more and more the benefit of aforementioned ADHD social media crack house (if used in personally beneficial ways)… please define “personally beneficial” for yourselves…. I’ve been trying to integrate/pay more attention to/actually sign-0n to @23rdstchrnicles.

I would like to RT or retweet… but I wanted get that shot story out there. Plus, I just downloaded this client that I don’t really want to learn to use. Like, right now, anyway.

Are Americans ready for a ‘Generation Rx’? (chron.com)

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…recently semi-buzzed…

…I’d like to give the preverbial shout out to:

My Addiction

It claims to be an “online addiction and recovery resource”. My attention span has very recently (like, in the last hour) decreased exponentially… so, I only register the “online addiction” part. So, that fits. Somewhere in the metaphorical back of the neural processes, I register the “recovery” bit… and it’s okay. Because I’m chill and relatively ‘feelin’ gooooood’.

Because, in truth, I’m not cool… because it’s not so cool. And I think about “recovery”.

The definition of “recovery” however, I think about much more. And can only ever come back with, “why do I only have one option”? Maybe I’m mislead or ill-informed…. but that’s what comes back.

Anyway, these guys seem okay, in my book… I guess.

Furthermore, I guess this is a double-post, as it were…

Wait, no… go here:

Bath Salt, bitches!

…as anything-meth-esque deserves it’s own post on 23rd street.

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Isabelle Caro

This blog is certainly not an ‘eating disorder‘ blog. It’s barely a ‘drug addiction‘ blog.

I know this is nothing new, but categorization (though, at one end I’m obsessed with) is not, atleast for me, a way to make sense of the world in certain capacities.

That being said, this whole thing… this ghey-ass blaaaaahhhhggg is categorically in it’s uncategorical sense….

…really, if one thinks about it, a blog about self-destruction.

……

……

I want it to lay there. Because before I can justify or rationalize… I’d like for it to be one word… well, one hyphenated word anyway.

(a) its not an instructional on how to self-destruct

(b) it does not delve into synthetic psychiatric terms like self-destruct

(c) it does try to understand… but in terms that won’t trap (as in self-destruct)

But, in so saying, they are all stories, these are all stories (true or not)… each blog entry or whatever you’d like to deem it, is a story.

…a story that, in the end, carries the weight of the term “self-destruction”.

Rings around the Rosey of self-destruction.

So, when I read this…it’s like… I don’t know (because it’s not just another anorexic pseudo-model media personality dying)

I say this only because I saw an episode of something or another where it really made it seem like she was ‘over it’… trying not to die. Being the anti-anorexia, if you will. The poster-bitch. Like a thousand years ago, I saw it.

And maybe she was.

But what am I to make of this?

A thousand years after, she dies anyway.

What does that even mean?

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