Tag Archives: 4-methylaminorex

Now

Do I look old?
I look in the mirror and try to evaluate.
But the chasm of one’s twenties is just that… a chasm. Cut my hair exactly like it was when I was 21. Why wouldn’t I look the same? Everyone in their twenties could be anywhere in their twenties.
…right?
And maybe I do (still look like I’m 21)… but how could I tell?
And maybe that’s my answer.
But there’s more to this story than I’ve let on.

Cause and effect. Action and reaction. —- and consequence.

There are markers… indicators… flags that go off.
I know that the years have passed since then. Memory tells me that I’ve lived a relative ‘hard-life’. Well, you know, shooting cocaine in my Chelsea crack-shack (before becoming a full-time ice junkie, of course). Drinking the sickly amount of alcohol that I needed to to obtain a balance…. Eating sparsely then possibly doing a “food-free day until after work (at the job at the salad joint)… small salad I looked at, no fat as I waited for the guy to arrive with my crystalyne savior)…

…and there he was. Ate the salad (arugula, capers, grape tomatoes, portabello mushrooms, balsamic vinegar… fennel sometimes came into play), gently, like through a stick of butter, eased the purest… thinnest… sharpest … virginal of needles through my basilic vein.

And in addition to being okay… in addition to my methamphetamine dreams… it was no big deal, easy, even to throw up the aforementioned salad before venturing out to dissolve into Manhattan.

Intellectually, I know all of what has happened.
Then and now.
There’s all this talk of dehydration affecting your face (wrinkles and all)… hydrate, limit your alcohol consumption, alpha omega 3 fatty acids.
Yeah, I know.
But only some of these behaviours have improved (if not ceased to exist themselves). I don’t shoot or snort meth (I swallow it in a extended release pill that a doctor prescribes me)… I continue to remain dehydrated

But, in the end… it’s all about your face.
I’ve been a drug addict for atleast a decade. I’ve been an active drug (and a mean, needles and veins and 4-methylaminorex and cocaine with a touch of dilaudid) user for maybe 4/5the’s of that time. And a default alcoholic, I suppose 100% of that time…
And an mild, tried and true functioning alcoholic now.

But how am I supposed to learn? It all comes down to asthetics.

I DON’T LOOK ANY DIFFERENT.

Do I?

 

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25 Things About

ME!!!

[the director’s cut… but then again, everything on 23rd street is the director’s cut]

25 random idiosyncratic things about me “that you don’t know” but mostly never asked to know and therefore pretty much have no vested interest in knowing.

but… I want to play the game.

Games are fun. 😉

So:

1. My hair is such a physically binding assurance in my existence. This doesn’t mean that I’m so dependent on having hair. Just anything that has to do with my hair at any given time, is a reflection of how I actually am… at said time.

2. I’m drunk.

3. I love needles and veins. I love that my blood is darker than most. It makes me feel more substantial. But I’m not into the whole vampire/cult/retarded fanboy thing… categorically. Goth, Emo… whatever… they can party with Christianity and Jesus because they are all the same. I mean, I’m all about people doing what they want, it’s just not my thing.

4. I am very selective about what transverses my brain, stomach, heart.

  • Not all drugs are drugs to me… not every high is one I want to partake in. I mean, I love drugs [but that’s another story].
  • I feel my brain atrophy as I read and/or view categorically brain-rotting material. So, I limit myself… almost a bit too much.
  • Oranges are safe. As is Diet Raspberry and/or Peach Snapple Iced Tea.

5. Oh, you Vegans. Rogue-ish cads, you. I like sushi… shucked oysters, sea urchin… I like Darwin and that whole survival of the fittest-thing that’s so popular with the kids. You know, science. As a child, shark fin had this rolly peculiar tough crunch on my teeth. Health is important, and my diet could be categorized as a seafaring vegetarian alcoholic… but I’m not ‘saving the animals’ by not eating them. And neither are you.

6. The lowest weight I’ve ever reached was 77 lbs., honestly. It doesn’t seem very low.  I weighed myself when I woke up. I’m sure, by the end of that day, I was 1 or 2 lbs lighter. But, for categorical purposes, I can only be sure of 77. Not very low.

7. I’m still drunk.

8. I don’t have 25 things… I’m not that interesting and/or self-absorbed. Wait, that’s a lie… I don’t have 25 things, but I am that interesting and self-absorbed… or maybe just that self-absorbed. Interesting is… your call.

9. Oh, knowledge is power. The more information you have, the more proficient you are at reading people, the better you can catch was is being thrown at you and digest it… the more power you yield. I love power!

10. I want meth. I’ll settle for dexedrine spanules… in all their time-released anti-glory. And it’s actually okay… if I never do meth again, I think. I just decided. The chemical makeup of dexedrine works. It does something that only meth could ever do… just… I don’t get ‘high’.  And, thus, I would, in a heartbeat, take any meth offered me. Make no mistake. I LOVE METHAMPHETAMINE and it’s brothers, sisters and first cousins… especially 4-methylaminorex.

11. I love arugula and grape tomatoes. and sour things… like lemon juice.

12. If I die… I’m dead. Whatever happens after that, is not my problem.

13. I don’t know… I mean, seriously, people have 25 things?

Standby…

Oh here we go:

14. I don’t understand that I’m not invincible. I still haven’t gotten it.

 

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